There are better ways to have a conversation with your child about homework. Here’s some of what I’ve learned about how.
Ask an open-ended question and use what we teachers call “wait time.”
Ask your child a deeper question such as, What is the most important thing about this assignment?
Then stop talking and just listen.
That’s right. Ask your question and step back. Let the silence just hang in the air.
One of my teachers always reminds students, “A question has a question mark at the end and an answer that comes from the mouth of the other person.”
As soon as the words leave your body, this entire idea will suddenly strike you as a terrible plan and you will not believe you are actually doing it. You will think about canceling your subscription to this publication. You will wish for the earth to swallow you whole.
Don’t be tossed away. That’s just monkey mind.
Let it howl in the back seat of your mind for a bit; then notice how it exhausts itself. This might take as long as five or 10 seconds. This will feel like an eternity.
Keep breathing. Blink. Focus on the air coming in and out at your nostrils.
This is practice in encouraging your child’s courage. There are no opt-outs, but your child is safe with you. Any teenager worth their salt will probably squirm, but that’s never killed anybody. Wait until you receive an answer.
Just listen — and don’t start talking to fill the empty space.
Thinking out loud is very naked. But it’s a necessary part of a teenager’s learning. Kids need their parent to encourage their courage. Your attention is a rare gift. Don’t miss the chance to give it.
By leaving your child space, you are demonstrating your belief in the power of their thinking. You don’t have to do this perfectly. But your perfectly imperfect listening is a profound tool of connection.
Researchers talk about the importance of risk-taking in learning, but they rarely offer meaningful ideas about how to encourage it. So here’s what I’ve learned from a lifetime of working with teenagers: courage is a muscle. It needs support to develop.
Whatever happens, just hold still and wait until you can receive what they have to say. Give their answer some breathing room.
You will be astonished by the depth of their ideas.
Then encourage their courage.
Education researchers talk about how important risk-taking is to learning, but they rarely offer meaningful ideas about how to encourage it. So I’ll tell you what I’ve learned from a lifetime of working with teenagers: courage is a muscle. It needs support to develop.
The most effective way we can encourage courage is just by “staying with.”
We may feel the impulse to jump in, try to rescue, or to “help,” but that’s more about finding ways to relieve our own discomfort than it is to help the child who is in need of encouragement. So don’t give in to the temptation to make yourself feel less awkward. Refrain from interfering. This is a deep way of communicating your belief in your child.
Listening is mysterious, but it’s a powerful confidence builder. And deep listening from your own parent is a gift. It builds trust as much as it encourages courage.
When your child is done, take it in and give it respect. Just nod and say something mildly positive like, “Good, good.”
This is not phony praise. This is encouraging their act of courage. In thinking, there are no good or bad ideas – there’s just the stream of ideas that arise.
Then do the unexpected thing – ask them a follow-up question.
A good follow-up question extends a student’s thinking. One question I like is, “How do you know that?”
Another good question is, “What else is this connected to?” Or, “Why do you think they think that?” Or, “Why not ___ (whatever the opposite of the idea is)?”
And then let them talk a little more.
The science shows that students who think about their thinking learn more. Their learning goes deeper.
When you as a parent are able to find your own genuine curiosity about your child’s ideas, you are actually teaching your child to trust and respect their own thinking. That is something that will pay dividends you cannot even begin to calculate.
Teenagers who discover the inner alchemy of the learning process are much more confident and are far less tempted to try and outsource their thinking to others. They learn to connect with their own minds.
You can’t put a price tag on that.
So use homework conversations to encourage your teenager’s courage. Tell them something another great teacher tells us: “You will succeed if you are fearless of failure.”
