Pity the poor tourist. To help them navigate our fair city (the center of the known universe), we San Franciscans have a few suggestions to improve our visitors’ stay, and these are the top ones:
– Layers! As in a t-shirt/shirt/jacket/parka/leather trench coat and a down vest rolled up in your backpack.
– The Bay Bridge is the blue-collar bridge. Golden Gate is the yuppie span, which is painted orange to demonstrate solidarity with the San Francisco Giants. Bay Bridge is East. Golden Gate Bridge is West. All directions flow from there.
– Every restaurant is good, because bad restaurants close quickly due to fierce competition.
– Walking downhill is more dangerous than walking uphill. The hills are good for you. They demand alertness and force you to exercise. Free cardio!
– That’s right. No mosquitoes.
– The fog is named Karl (nonbinary), and they, too, are good for you. Very moisturizing.
– San Francisco is the home of competitive yoga. “Meditate harder. Manifest annoyance. First to nirvana wins.”
– A person doesn’t “go” to San Francisco. They “arrive.” We don’t argue, we have conversations. And those aren’t donuts. They’re pastries.
– San Francisco natives always get first dibs. Yes, you can do that here. As long as it doesn’t involve parking.
– Don’t honk at the Waymos. They don’t care.
– For the last time: LAYERS!
– Thanks for coming. Please spend lots of money. Then go home. No, you can’t move here. We’re full. Sorry. Not sorry.
Will Durst is a local comedian whose newest one-man show, “He Who Shall Not Be Named” will open soon in San Francisco.
